More like get your suicide letter ready. While losing yet again in fantasy football may not actually drive you to end it all, the gut-wrenching feeling of watching your “top dogs” blow chunks certainly can bring the thought to mind.

Terrell Owens was just one of the many stars who came up way too short in week three, sending your once prominent starting line-up into a downward spiral of malcontent and evil-thinking.

Here’s to your opponents running back’s legs breaking this week, and your starting of Thomas Jones against the Saint resulting in more than two points.

Clinton Portis, RB, Washington Redskins

(Portis is just about hobbled.)

This calf-bruised, ankle-spurred, son of a bitch has screwed you the wrong way. And I’m not talking about your next door neighbor, your brother-in-law, or your mail man.

Portis hasn’t scored a touchdown all season and was fairly unspectacular leading up to week three, but with a very tasty meal in the Detroit Lions, you were expecting more than a little over 40 yards rushing.

You wanted scores, two of them, at least 80 yards, and a damn ice cream cone.

If it’s any consolation, Portis is hurting about 30 times as much as you are physically, and his mental edge is being weighed down from the hatred he dispenses on his ineffective quarterback, Jason Campbell.

Join Portis in this hatred, and pray that his fortunes turn for the better (as they really should) against a horrible Tampa Bay defense in week four.

Terrell Owens, WR, Buffalo Bills

(Maybe he should start throwing the ball?)

He did squat in week one, showed up a bit in week two, and then did something he hasn’t done in 12 years: didn’t catch a single pass.

Either take this as the dawning of the “phasing-out-e-ness”, or just agree with everyone else that Trent Edwards is a passive little mouse who doesn’t know the first thing about throwing the ball down the field.

Go with the latter, and you’ll realize that, while T.O. never had and still doesn’t have particularly great hands, he’s still good enough to get you 10 points a game (here and there) if someone throwing to him is even remotely competent.

Look for the Bills passing game to bounce back against a Miami defense that is giving up over 260 yards per game through the air.

And be sure to catch all of T.O.’s highlight-reel drops on ESPN.

Thomas Jones, RB, New York Jets

(How can we hate on a guy with such huge muscles?)

Jones has two touchdowns, has been running decently, and probably had you thinking all kinds of sick, dirty thoughts about what you’d do after you beat your fantasy opponent into the ground.

Save the Kleenex for later, fair friends, because Jones took way too many tries to move just about nowhere, and it cost you, dearly.

League scoring varies, naturally, but the last time I checked, Jones didn’t top three points in any scoring format. Yikes.

That means Portis had a better line. And that’s just sad.

Jones has a better matchup against the Saints, but be careful of New Orleans jumping ahead and Rex Ryan moving away from the running game. Because God help him for not doing it earlier last week.

Tony Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys

(The “doing Carrie Underwood” pose.)

We love the guy, heterosexually, of course. He’s got swagger, dimples, moxie, and quite possible several STD’s, considering the starlets he finds himself with.

Oh, don’t tell me Jessica Simpson doesn’t sleep around.

Regardless, what he doesn’t have is great stats, as his only elite game this year came against the woeful Buccaneers. And by elite, I don’t even mean 300+ yards and 3 scores like he did in week one.

Just 200+ yards and one score would suffice at this point.

In the past two weeks Romo-Cop has thrown for under 300 yards both games, and has totaled one touchdown and three picks.

Now he gets Denver on the road. Doesn’t sound like much, but that Denver defense is looking sharp while allowing only one touchdown and 16 total points through three games. You might wanna sit the big smiling kid from Burlington.

Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints

(Maybe if he stopped hanging out with Carlton…)

Brees, you and I have a difficult relationship. I mean, I love you, man. I want you to be the best man at my wedding, the father of my kids…

Well, I did. But after last week’s below 200-yard effort and zero scores, I’m reconsidering.

Even with a sore matchup with the Jets this week, there’s almost no chance Brees finishes with this line again. Hell, I’m willing to bet he doesn’t finished below 250 the rest of the year.

Look for a few picks against a tough defense, but Brees should jump up back to 300 and three scores.

Julian Edelman, WR, New England Patriots

(Julian, you boy/girl named tease.)

He’s like the girl at the prom who watches you from the wall behind the speakers, giving you that “come here” look, and then you do come there, and then somehow she’s suddenly talking to some other dude because he brought her some punch-which, coincidentally, you were standing right next to.

Get it?

Edelman, you were supposed to live up to your eight catch, 98-yard Wes Welker-like week two performance. Not three catches for 20 yards, you ass.

Wes Welker, WR, New England Patriots

(Welker’s been doing a lot of this lately.)

I would like a comment from every single person that looked like a fool because they lost by four points in week three, simply because they made the poor decision of playing Welker.

If you haven’t learned yet, let me fill you in. You can’t trust Bill Belichick (not even if you’re his kid), and you don’t start game-time decision players when there hasn’t been a decision on their status yet.

Welker is practicing (again), but don’t let that ruin your point potential for the third week in a row. Don’t do it, guys. Don’t do it.

Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots

(Just look at him. He knows. Oh, he knows.)

I swear, after this tiny out-burst on Brady, I’m done reaming Patriots’ players. After all, Randy Moss and Fred Taylor are in a happy spot in my brain, and I don’t want to ruin the good feeling going on up there.

Brady, on the other hand, has been far from up-lifting since his heroic, lucky, crazy week one performance of nearly 400 yards passing and two scores.

He hasn’t thrown a touchdown since, and his yardage hasn’t been too sexy, either.

Think it’s suddenly going to get better against the Baltimore Ravens defense? Uh, yeah, actually, I do.

Phillip Rivers had a field day against the Ravens. The Chargers didn’t win, but Rivers buttered your fantasy toast just the way you like it.

Hell, even Brodie Croyle made some risk-taking bastard the happiest man in the fantasy realm.

Go for broke with Brady. I mean, it’s not like you’re actually going to play Derek Anderson over Tom Terrific, are you?

John Kuhn, FB, Green Bay Packers

(Dude scored two touchdowns last week.)

Who the hell are you, and why are you stealing fantasy points from Ryan Grant and Aaron Rodgers?

Seriously. The Packers are so inept offensively right now that they have to turn to a back-up fullback for touchdowns?

Did Grant suddenly lose the ability to plunge in for a touchdown from one yard away?

This needs to stop, and it needs to stop now. This goes for Rams tight end Daniel Fells robbing Randy McMichael of two scores last week in the same game, mind you. Ridiculous.

Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco 49ers

(One run. Four yards. Seriously?)

I know you hurt your ankle, dude, and it should keep you on the shelf for two or three weeks, but come on.

That’s like 0.4 points. Maybe. And most leagues might even consider taking points away for that.

Next time you roll or sprain something, be sure to stay in the game until you muster up 10 lousy points, okay? You’re a football player, not a ballerina. You can withstand the pain to get your boy here one lousy point.

Looking for the next big gem but not into digging for it yourself? That’s all gravy.

Take a look at the 10 safest rookie bets after two weeks (by position), along with some analysis toward their future, as well as a good look at their present.

And no, Matthew Stafford doesn’t make the list. Why? Because all he’s good for is interceptions; that’s why.

Mark Sanchez, QB, New York Jets

Last Week: 14-22, 167 yds, 1 TD, 0 INT

Sanchez has looked like a seasoned veteran in his first two games, throwing for three touchdowns, 435 yards, and only one interception.

However, the drop from 31 attempts and 272 yards in Week One to 22 attempts and only 167 yards in Week Two is exactly the kind of inconsistency you need to prepare for when dealing with a rookie.

Regardless, Sanchez is doing his best Matt Ryan impression and is easily the better play between him and Matthew Stafford going forward.

Donald Brown, RB, Indianapolis Colts

Last Week: 4 att, 26 yds, 1 TD, 1 rec, 24 yds, 0 TD

We already knew the guy had good speed and the shiftiness of a receiver. What we didn’t know is that he’s also clutch as hell.

Brown burst up the middle for the Colts’ 15-yard winning touchdown run in front of the nation despite only touching the ball four times earlier in the game.

His four carries were quite a drop from his solid 11 totes in Week One, making Brown’s touches and role in the offense a bit unpredictable.

It’s quite clear that Brown is going to stay a part of the Colts ground game, though, and has already contributed 40 yards receiving in two games, offering promise as a potential screen demon.

Chris “Beanie” Wells, RB, Arizona Cardinals

Last Week: 7 att, 44 yds, 0 TD

Wells has had a solid seven touches in both games this season and probably would have seen more action in Week Two if it hadn’t been for his two fumbles.

It’s clear that Arizona is more comfortable with Tim Hightower, especially in the passing game, where Wells has a very disappointing zero catches.

Look for his overall touches to climb to 10-12 in the next few weeks as Wells rises to an average flex play.

LeSean McCoy, RB, Philadelphia Eagles

Last Week: 5 att, 18 yds, 0 TD, 4 rec, 37 yds, 0 TD

McCoy will only go as far as Brian Westbrook’s health allows him to, which actually makes him a guy to watch heading into Week Three, as Westbrook missed Wednesday’s practice.

With 19 touches for 102 yards, McCoy is averaging 50 yards per game and is a strong candidate to heat up as the season wears on.

With Westbrook’s age (30) and injury concerns, McCoy’s already decent numbers are very promising.

Percy Harvin, WR, Minnesota Vikings

Last Week: 5 rec, 41 yds, 1 TD, 2 att, 14 yds, 0 TD

All the assumptions of how Harvin could be used in the Minnesota offense are coming true. He’s proving to be a solid slot receiver, and he has also taken two handoffs in both games while introducing some Wildcat plays heading into Week Three.

Harvin has already developed a nice connection with Brett Favre, as Harvin has totaled eight receptions for 77 yards and two scores through the first two weeks.

Johnny Knox, WR, Chicago Bears

Last Week: 6 rec, 70 yds, 1 TD

Word on the street is that Knox could soon be pushing for Earl Bennett’s starting job. And why not?

All Knox has does thus far as a rookie is notch at least 70 yards receiving in both of his games, providing the Bears with their second deadly deep threat in the passing game.

Knox has a ton of upside and already is showing good route-running ability through just his second NFL game.

Julian Edelman, WR, New England Patriots

Last Week: 8 rec, 98 yds, 0 TD

Edelman filled in quite nicely for the game-day scratch of Wes Welker, and he even confused many people by playing a lot like the standout receiver.

However, Edelman’s inexperience was fairly evident on several drops, including a sure touchdown near the goal line.

Still, Edelman proved worthy of 16 Tom Brady targets and, with almost 100 yards in his first start, should be a valuable asset to an offense that still has the tools to be quite explosive.

Kenny Britt, WR, Tennessee Titans

Last Week: 2 rec, 22 yds, 0 TD

Britt delivered quite a rookie-esque performance after showing his big-play ability in his debut against the Steelers.

Britt is still capable of making plays for Tennessee but will be somewhat limited as the third receiver in a run-first offense.

Louis Murphy, WR, Oakland Raiders

Last Week: 2 rec, 26 yds, 0 TD

Murphy came crashing down to earth a bit after his stellar rookie debut on Monday night in Week One.

Hs two catches for 26 yards make for a far cry from his “waiver-wire wonder” numbers of four catches, 87 yards, and a touchdown in front of the nation in Week One.

The rookie even had another touchdown grab, but it was called back due to a penalty.

Murphy is outperforming first-round draft pick Darrius Heyward-Bey by leaps and bounds, performing well enough to make Oakland think twice about benching him in favor of Chaz Schilens.

Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Detroit Lions

Last Week: 4 rec, 40 yds, 0 TD

After not being targeted at all in Week One, Pettigrew was fairly active against the Vikings with four catches.

This makes Pettigrew a decent TE2 play going forward, though he’s probably going to get some stiff rookie competition from Buffalo’s Shawn Nelson (three catches, one touchdown).

Michael Vick to Play For Eagles on Sunday

Don’t get too excited, it won’t be as the quarterback.

Still, the coaching staff is counting on Vick to make plays, projecting him to be involved in somewhere between 10-15 plays.

You can probably even count on more than that. Kevin Kolb is expected to start as it stands, but Vick will likely be deployed in a number of packages.

The problem is, just how effective can he be in his first regular season game in more than two years?

Wes Welker Back at Practice

As inspiring as this is, it still means nothing.

While he did participate in Thursday’s practice, he was limited, opening the door to a possible “target share” with rookie Julian Edelman.

Bill Belichick isn’t foolish. If Welker isn’t 100 percent, he’ll just use him as a decoy and get some production out of Edelman. The rookie clearly has talent, and the Patriots would be doing themselves a disservice to sit him the rest of the way.

Monitor this situation all the way up until their game with the Atlanta Falcons.

Jerry Jones Gives Tony Romo Vote of Confidence

Well, I should sure hope so.

They got rid of Terrell Owens, labeling him as the one and only problem in Dallas. And now the owner raises doubt by saying he’s “backing” Romo after one bad game?

Don’t be like Jones and get too excited. Romo was facing the Giants tough front-four and the Cowboys barely lost the game.

Start Romo with confidence this week in a favorable match-up with the Carolina Panthers.

Saints Running Backs Sharing Reps in Practice

Add Tynell Hamilton to the mix in the Saints backfield.

Who? Well, regardless of not being very well known, Hamilton figures to get some grind with Mike Bell (knee) out this week, and Pierre Thomas being slowly brought back from his own knee injury.

Reggie Bush also factors into the muddled equation, making all three Saints running backs risky starts. And you thought it was difficult to predict their production before.

Chargers Center Nick Hardwick Out Until December

It just keeps getting worse for the San Diego running game.

This doesn’t hurt Daren Sproles’ value that much, as most of his production comes from the passing game and bouncing runs outside.

LaDainian Tomlinson, who is dealing with his own injury, could find it even more difficult to run in the middle when he returns, however.

Hardwick has ankle surgery, and if things continue to work against San Diego, he could end up going on IR.

Jamal Lewis Misses Wednesday’s Practice

Lewis is dealing with a bad hamstring, as well as a horrid performance against the Broncos, rushing for just 38 yards on 14 carries.

If he’s out this week, a suddenly-healthy James David could split carries with Jerome Harrison, making both Cleveland back-ups interesting plays.

Well, they would be, if they weren’t facing the Baltimore Ravens.

Marion Barber Practicing, Wants to Play Monday Night

While this isn’t exactly earth-shattering news, it’s worth noting.

Knock Felix Jones’ value down a bit with Barber practicing, although a hindered Barber ensures at least a few more touches for Jones and Barber’s other back-up, Tashard Choice.

The way the Carolina Panthers rush defense is going, all three backs could field solid numbers on Monday night.