More like get your suicide letter ready. While losing yet again in fantasy football may not actually drive you to end it all, the gut-wrenching feeling of watching your “top dogs” blow chunks certainly can bring the thought to mind.

Terrell Owens was just one of the many stars who came up way too short in week three, sending your once prominent starting line-up into a downward spiral of malcontent and evil-thinking.

Here’s to your opponents running back’s legs breaking this week, and your starting of Thomas Jones against the Saint resulting in more than two points.

Clinton Portis, RB, Washington Redskins

(Portis is just about hobbled.)

This calf-bruised, ankle-spurred, son of a bitch has screwed you the wrong way. And I’m not talking about your next door neighbor, your brother-in-law, or your mail man.

Portis hasn’t scored a touchdown all season and was fairly unspectacular leading up to week three, but with a very tasty meal in the Detroit Lions, you were expecting more than a little over 40 yards rushing.

You wanted scores, two of them, at least 80 yards, and a damn ice cream cone.

If it’s any consolation, Portis is hurting about 30 times as much as you are physically, and his mental edge is being weighed down from the hatred he dispenses on his ineffective quarterback, Jason Campbell.

Join Portis in this hatred, and pray that his fortunes turn for the better (as they really should) against a horrible Tampa Bay defense in week four.

Terrell Owens, WR, Buffalo Bills

(Maybe he should start throwing the ball?)

He did squat in week one, showed up a bit in week two, and then did something he hasn’t done in 12 years: didn’t catch a single pass.

Either take this as the dawning of the “phasing-out-e-ness”, or just agree with everyone else that Trent Edwards is a passive little mouse who doesn’t know the first thing about throwing the ball down the field.

Go with the latter, and you’ll realize that, while T.O. never had and still doesn’t have particularly great hands, he’s still good enough to get you 10 points a game (here and there) if someone throwing to him is even remotely competent.

Look for the Bills passing game to bounce back against a Miami defense that is giving up over 260 yards per game through the air.

And be sure to catch all of T.O.’s highlight-reel drops on ESPN.

Thomas Jones, RB, New York Jets

(How can we hate on a guy with such huge muscles?)

Jones has two touchdowns, has been running decently, and probably had you thinking all kinds of sick, dirty thoughts about what you’d do after you beat your fantasy opponent into the ground.

Save the Kleenex for later, fair friends, because Jones took way too many tries to move just about nowhere, and it cost you, dearly.

League scoring varies, naturally, but the last time I checked, Jones didn’t top three points in any scoring format. Yikes.

That means Portis had a better line. And that’s just sad.

Jones has a better matchup against the Saints, but be careful of New Orleans jumping ahead and Rex Ryan moving away from the running game. Because God help him for not doing it earlier last week.

Tony Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys

(The “doing Carrie Underwood” pose.)

We love the guy, heterosexually, of course. He’s got swagger, dimples, moxie, and quite possible several STD’s, considering the starlets he finds himself with.

Oh, don’t tell me Jessica Simpson doesn’t sleep around.

Regardless, what he doesn’t have is great stats, as his only elite game this year came against the woeful Buccaneers. And by elite, I don’t even mean 300+ yards and 3 scores like he did in week one.

Just 200+ yards and one score would suffice at this point.

In the past two weeks Romo-Cop has thrown for under 300 yards both games, and has totaled one touchdown and three picks.

Now he gets Denver on the road. Doesn’t sound like much, but that Denver defense is looking sharp while allowing only one touchdown and 16 total points through three games. You might wanna sit the big smiling kid from Burlington.

Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints

(Maybe if he stopped hanging out with Carlton…)

Brees, you and I have a difficult relationship. I mean, I love you, man. I want you to be the best man at my wedding, the father of my kids…

Well, I did. But after last week’s below 200-yard effort and zero scores, I’m reconsidering.

Even with a sore matchup with the Jets this week, there’s almost no chance Brees finishes with this line again. Hell, I’m willing to bet he doesn’t finished below 250 the rest of the year.

Look for a few picks against a tough defense, but Brees should jump up back to 300 and three scores.

Julian Edelman, WR, New England Patriots

(Julian, you boy/girl named tease.)

He’s like the girl at the prom who watches you from the wall behind the speakers, giving you that “come here” look, and then you do come there, and then somehow she’s suddenly talking to some other dude because he brought her some punch-which, coincidentally, you were standing right next to.

Get it?

Edelman, you were supposed to live up to your eight catch, 98-yard Wes Welker-like week two performance. Not three catches for 20 yards, you ass.

Wes Welker, WR, New England Patriots

(Welker’s been doing a lot of this lately.)

I would like a comment from every single person that looked like a fool because they lost by four points in week three, simply because they made the poor decision of playing Welker.

If you haven’t learned yet, let me fill you in. You can’t trust Bill Belichick (not even if you’re his kid), and you don’t start game-time decision players when there hasn’t been a decision on their status yet.

Welker is practicing (again), but don’t let that ruin your point potential for the third week in a row. Don’t do it, guys. Don’t do it.

Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots

(Just look at him. He knows. Oh, he knows.)

I swear, after this tiny out-burst on Brady, I’m done reaming Patriots’ players. After all, Randy Moss and Fred Taylor are in a happy spot in my brain, and I don’t want to ruin the good feeling going on up there.

Brady, on the other hand, has been far from up-lifting since his heroic, lucky, crazy week one performance of nearly 400 yards passing and two scores.

He hasn’t thrown a touchdown since, and his yardage hasn’t been too sexy, either.

Think it’s suddenly going to get better against the Baltimore Ravens defense? Uh, yeah, actually, I do.

Phillip Rivers had a field day against the Ravens. The Chargers didn’t win, but Rivers buttered your fantasy toast just the way you like it.

Hell, even Brodie Croyle made some risk-taking bastard the happiest man in the fantasy realm.

Go for broke with Brady. I mean, it’s not like you’re actually going to play Derek Anderson over Tom Terrific, are you?

John Kuhn, FB, Green Bay Packers

(Dude scored two touchdowns last week.)

Who the hell are you, and why are you stealing fantasy points from Ryan Grant and Aaron Rodgers?

Seriously. The Packers are so inept offensively right now that they have to turn to a back-up fullback for touchdowns?

Did Grant suddenly lose the ability to plunge in for a touchdown from one yard away?

This needs to stop, and it needs to stop now. This goes for Rams tight end Daniel Fells robbing Randy McMichael of two scores last week in the same game, mind you. Ridiculous.

Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco 49ers

(One run. Four yards. Seriously?)

I know you hurt your ankle, dude, and it should keep you on the shelf for two or three weeks, but come on.

That’s like 0.4 points. Maybe. And most leagues might even consider taking points away for that.

Next time you roll or sprain something, be sure to stay in the game until you muster up 10 lousy points, okay? You’re a football player, not a ballerina. You can withstand the pain to get your boy here one lousy point.

After going through the top 50 players in the league who provide good potential but give you reason to worry, I decided to put together a smaller list of guys that you shouldn’t think twice about drafting.

Drew Brees (pictured) doesn’t even have to be on the list. But a better example there is not.

Outside of a freak, Tom Brady-like injury, Brees should easily top 4,500 yards again and could flirt with 30 scores for the second straight year.

He is clearly what makes that potent offense go, and with a healthy arsenal of weapons all around him, there’s no reason to doubt him or the Saints in 2009.

But Brees is just the first of many players you shouldn’t second-guess.

However, sometimes when you’re drafting, those “guarantees” will fly off the board, and you’re left with too many decisions and not enough real answers.

Read on to see if the players you’re targeting in your draft are “sure things.”

(List is in no particular order.)

1. Randy Moss, WR, New England Patriots

This isn’t Oakland or Minnesota.

Randy Moss is playing dominant football, and he’s doing it with a smile.

Even without his stud quarterback, Tom Brady, he had a solid 2008, with over 1,000 yards and 10 scores.

He may not get back to 23 touchdowns, but with Brady and that offense gearing for a potential return to 2007 form, he’s as safe a bet as any star receiver.

Prediction: 84 rec, 1,390 yards, 15 TD

2. Wes Welker, WR, New England Patriots

Much like Moss, Welker benefits from a great New England system, as well as the return of 2007′s NFL MVP, Tom Brady.

Again, like Moss, the most beautiful part about this receiver is that even without his star quarterback, his production really didn’t drop off too much.

Mark him down for two straight seasons with at least 111 catches and 1,100 yards.

I’d bet on a third.

Prediction: 115 rec, 1,224 yards, 7 TD

3. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis Colts

Manning won’t miss Marvin Harrison as much as many think.

Harrison has been on a downward slide for two seasons now, and Manning has been able to build great chemistry with his No. 1 guy, Reggie Wayne, as well as Dallas Clark and Anthony Gonzalez.

Gonzalez gives the Colts the speed Harrison “used” to have, as well as reliable hands and good route-running.

With offensive coordinator Tom Moore back under contract, you can safely assume Manning should be in line for his usual 26-plus touchdowns and 4,000-plus yards.

You can talk about age (33) and last year’s knee surgery all you want, but the guy has never tossed fewer than 26 touchdowns and has passed for less than 4,000 yards just twice in his entire career.

Oh, and he was the league’s MVP last year. Yeah, he’s still got it.

Prediction: 4,177 yards, 30 TD, 14 INT

4. Reggie Wayne, WR, Indianapolis Colts

t’s as simple as this: If you’re even remotely sold on Manning continuing his dominance (he will), then Wayne is your second man in line.

He’s basically been Manning’s go-to guy for the past two years, anyways (sorry Marvin).

The guy is just entering his prime at 30 years old and is only one season removed from a sickening 104-catch, 1,500-yard season.

Expect a return to his 2007 form, or very close to it.

Prediction: 97 rec, 1,388 yards, 11 TD

5. Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego Chargers

Sure, Gates’ receptions have gone from 89 to 71 to 75, and then all the way down to 60 last year.

But he hasn’t scored fewer than eight touchdowns since his rookie year.

Yeah, that’s five straight years of being the league’s best tight end.

However, his bum toe has taken him out of his title spot (you’re welcome, Jason Witten), and now he mostly settles for touchdowns as the Chargers’ third receiving option.

Gates should be close to full health in 2009, though, which should mean fewer plays as a decoy and anywhere from 15 to 30 more grabs.

If all else fails, you have his insane touchdown production to fall back on.

Prediction: 80 rec, 985 yards, 12 TD

6. LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, San Diego Chargers

Like his teammate Gates, Tomlinson played through nagging injuries in 2008 that slowed him down and kept him from being his usual electrifying self.

L.T. put up solid numbers (1,110 yards and 11 TD) in what experts called a “down” year.

That may be true, but only because L.T. has shown us for so many years what he is capable of.

The franchising of Darren Sproles means that L.T.’s production is very unlikely to get back anywhere close to his majestic 2006 season, and possibly not even his elite 2007 production.

However, he’s still in his prime, and if he can do damage with all the injuries he had last year, he definitely has another year or two of quality production.

He may not be a surefire No. 1-4 pick, but he’s still a first-rounder.

Prediction: 1,390 yards, 12 TD, 55 rec, 477 yards, 3 TD

7. Clinton Portis, RB, Washington Redskins

Too much focus has been put on Portis’s late-season slump in 2008, where he failed to rush for a touchdown over a seven-game span and finished the season with less than 80 rushing yards in five straight contests.

His yards per carry was pretty pitiful down the stretch, too.

But here’s where common sense comes to the rescue.

The entire offense was pathetic during the last eight games, and a lot of that had to do with Jason Campbell’s lack of a killer instinct and Jim Zorn’s offense becoming too predictable.

Portis should be good for another hot start as the offense continues to grow and the other young weapons around him mature.

Be aware of the possibility of another late-season collapse, but at just 27, that’s a bit of a reach.

Prediction: 1,466 yards, 10 TD, 35 rec, 349 yards, 2 TD

8. Jason Witten, TE, Dallas Cowboys

While everyone else is reaching for Donald Driver or Jerricho Cotchery as their WR3, you can smile with confidence as you snag Witten as YOUR third receiving option.

With Terrell Owens gone, Witten is more like a receiver than ever, and he should keep his reception and yardage total high while he gets back to the six- or seven-touchdown range.

He’s too big, fast, and strong to be kept out of the end zone for long without pay dirt hog T.O. gone.

Prediction: 94 rec, 1,117 yards, 8 TD

9. Adrian Peterson, RB, Minnesota Vikings

Duh.

As if you weren’t expecting Mr. “All-Day” to show up on this list sooner or later.

Sure, he fumbles, plays recklessly, and is in an increasingly more competitive division (on paper) by the day.

But when the guy can run over AND around just about anybody he wants to, it’s pretty hard to doubt his abilities.

His play could catch up with him eventually, but if Brett Favre signs, something tells me it won’t be happening in 2009.

With a true presence (albeit a 40-year-old one) behind center, Peterson will finally shine to his fullest.

Just an interesting note:

Jets RB Thomas Jones’ 2007 TD total (before Favre arrived: ONE

Jones’ total with Favre at QB in 2008: 13

A.P. scored 10 times last year while leading the league in rushing with over 1,700 yards.

Oh, the possibilities.

Prediction: 1,669 yards, 17 TD, 27 rec, 288 yards, 2 TD

10. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay Packers

The entire 2008 season was about taking the place of a legend and making his own mark in Green Bay.

Aaron Rodgers did both. The only problem was, his defense didn’t back him up at all.

With a new scheme and players in new spots in some areas, Rodgers will hopefully have a serviceable defense defending the other end zone.

In the meantime, Rodgers still has a hell of a right arm, is mobile, and has a slew of offensive weapons who are just as productive as he is.

With over 4,000 yards passing and 31 total touchdowns in his first year as a starter, it’s safe to say he’s arrived.

Now just cross your fingers he makes it through 16 games—again.

Prediction: 3,988 yards, 27 TD, 14 INT

11. Steve Smith, WR, Carolina Panthers

Smith is being held back by an ineffective quarterback and average receivers surrounding him, yet is still an elite fantasy option.

And a consistent and reliable one to boot.

Despite Jake Delhomme’s poor play at times, Smith is still arguably a top-five option and is entering his prime.

He still has game-breaking speed, excellent hands, and body control, and he makes plays on every ball thrown his way.

Don’t let Delhomme scare you away from four straight 1,000-yard seasons.

Prediction: 85 rec, 1,369 yards, 9 TD

12. Roddy White, WR, Atlanta Falcons

White is officially “the” guy in Atlanta’s passing game, and even the arrival of Tony Gonzalez shouldn’t change that.

His chemistry with Matt Ryan is outstanding and should only improve, while two straight seasons of 1,200-plus yards and at least six scores should keep you salivating.

He’s also grabbed over 83 balls in each of the past two seasons.

He’s only 27 and is just going to get better.

Prediction: 90 rec, 1,444 yards, 10 TD

13. Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Arizona Cardinals

Forget about his ridiculous 2008 postseason run.

Tons of players go “off” in the playoffs and then fizzle out the next season.

Fitz, however, has been doing this for years.

Draft him based on the three 1,400-yard and 10-plus touchdown seasons out of his last four tries.

The guy has size, speed, reliable hands, excellent body control, and a Pro Bowl quarterback.

Just knock on wood when thinking about him being on the Madden cover.

Prediction: 101 rec, 1,515 yards, 15 TD

14. Kurt Warner, QB, Arizona Cardinals

What are you waiting for, Warner to grow a long, white beard, fall and break his hip, or retire unexpectedly?

Don’t wait on it.

Warner may be 38, but he isn’t playing with the body of the usual late-30s quarterback. He still has a good arm and is sickly accurate.

Oh, and he has two of the game’s best receiving options (Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin), as well as underrated third and fourth options.

Sure, he could always shatter like glass, but then again, so could anyone else in this league.

If you’re really that worried, grab Matt Leinart later in the draft as insurance.

Prediction: 4,377 yards, 29 TD, 15 INT

15. Steve Jackson, RB, St. Louis Rams VS. Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco 49ers

Both Steven Jackson and Frank Gore are elusive backs with exceptional speed, inside running ability, and vision.

The trouble is, they can’t stay completely healthy, and the rest of their offense stinks.

Neither has a reliable quarterback or passing game, and both of their defenses still could use some work.

However, the tide is turning.

Despite all of these things working against them, both backs have churned out back-to-back 1,000-yard campaigns and have tons of room for fantasy optimism.

Jackson has a new coach with an emphasis on defense and running the ball.

Ding, ding, ding! We’ve got a winner.

You can say much the same for Gore as well.

His quarterback situation may not be resolved completely in 2009, but his carries should increase, as the Mike Martz system kept him well below 300 carries.

Both backs should see the ball at least 18 to 25 times a game and are still the featured offensive players on their teams.

So, barring a major injury, they should easily be top-10 fantasy backs and are viable RB1 candidates.

Jackson Prediction: 1,359 yards, 11 TD, 64 rec, 525 yards, 2 TD

Gore Prediction: 1,288 yards, nine TD, 49 rec, 358 yards, 2 TD

AP could be a shoe-in.

There are more lists filtering through this site than pop-up ads. It’s getting to that “awesomely ridiculous” stage.

And I’m not complaining. God, no. I love it.

What’s better than the actual NFL season? The answer is nothing, but a close second is the constant coverage it gets, despite being almost four months away.

We have the Brett Favre Saga, fantasy football hype, trades, roster changes, and best of all, rankings that in no way matter right now.

Such is the life of an NFL fan-waiting and praying over their team, their decisions, and crossing their fingers that their top guy doesn’t go all “Tom Brady” on them in training camp.

Oh, and then there’s the Madden Curse. Will Troy Polomalu and Larry Fitzgerald put an end to the curse? Heck, will we be seeing them facing off again in 2010′s title game?

To all, I say maybe.

But as long as we’re all stuck on maybe’s, let’s add a few more to the fire. Here are 10 guys who, based on past history and current situations, have a real shot at claiming this upcoming season’s MVP award.

1. Adrian Peterson, RB, Minnesota Vikings

His chances greatly increase if Brett Favre strolls into town, but even if he’s backed by Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson, Peterson is primed for another huge year.

If the Vikings are going to have another shot at the division, Peterson will have to be at his best. In fact, even if he can simply match last season’s totals of 1,700 rushing yards and 10 touchdowns, he’s a shoe-in.

Regardless, just a healthy season and a trip to the playoffs could lock it up for him.

2. Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots

He’s up for Comeback Player of the Year in many people’s minds (and I’d agree), but how about two awards in one season?

If Brady doesn’t have any set-backs, it shouldn’t be too outlandish to expect at least 35 touchdowns and over 4,000 yards.

Oh, is that the definition of outlandish?

Sure, he tore his knee up and his been out of football for a year now, but his system, coaches, and offensive weapons are too good to slow him down for long.

Oh, and he’s Tom-friggin-Brady. Remember when Carson Palmer came back from his knee injury? Yeah, he was still pretty good.

Just imagine Brady.

3. Kurt Warner, QB, Arizona Cardinals

I know he’s old, but I’m tired of doubting Warner. He’s just too nice of a guy.

Still, I’m not picking him as a candidate because he gives thanks to God or bagged groceries with a smile on his face. He makes the list because with or without Anquan Boldin, he has a sick offense, and last time we saw him, he was still ungodly amazing.

Unless an unfortunate injury vaults Matt Leinart into the line-up, we can get ready to see another 3,700+ yard season, and close to 30 touchdowns.

There has to be a drop-off eventually, but something tells me 2009 isn’t the year it happens.

4. Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco 49ers

After coming out of nowhere to put up over 1,600 yards a few years ago, Gore has put together two average seasons for a starting running back.

However, it’s nowhere close to being his fault, and any kind of positive results from the quarterback position could pay huge dividends, both for Gore and the entire offense.

As that passing game begins to get more respected (a big if), Gore will be able to run more freely.

5. Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints

Can we expect another run at Dan Marino’s yardage record (5,084)? Sure.

Brees still has the same weapons and system, and last time I checked, is still Drew Brees.

As long as the Saints defense can hold up, and they can get consistency out of their running game, Brees keeping his 2008 form is very possible.

To snag the MVP, though, he may have to do more than just make the playoffs. The Saints may have to win the division.

6. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis Colts

Manning is the poster boy for consistency, and is constantly among the league leaders in every passing category.

He loses offensive coordinator Tom Moore, as well as Marvin Harrison, but still has the same offense (roughly), and a ton of weapons.

The deciding factor on Manning is if the Colts can stay among the elite, despite drastic loss, and whether or not Anthony Gonzalez and Austin Collie can step-up and produce behind Reggie Wayne.

7. Donovan McNabb, QB, Philadelphia Eagles

McNabb finally put in a full 16 games in 2008, and it paid off.

Despite his team’s early struggles, McNabb and his offense re-grouped, and ended the season with a hard-fought battle with the Arizona Cardinals in the NFC Championship game.

McNabb now has three solid receivers at his disposal after the front office nabbed Missouri’s Jeremy Maclin, ensuring him the chance at another top-ten season if he can stay healthy.

As long as he’s healthy and doesn’t drop-off, McNabb now has the necessary tools to pick defenses apart, while having a one-two punch at running back to help finish the job.

8. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay Packers

Too soon? I don’t think so.

In his first season, amidst all the controversy of the Brett Favre situation, Rodgers stepped up in a big way, throwing for over 4,000 yards and 28 touchdowns.

Rodgers proved to be an exceptional leader, and made enough big plays to suggest that he has a very bright future in Green Bay.

If the defense can get significantly better, Rodgers and his well-groomed offense could guide the Packers to a division crown.

9. Michael Turner, RB, Atlanta Falcons

I’m almost tempted to put Matt Ryan here, but it’s clear that the Falcons’ biggest offensive strength is their rush offense. That is, until we see what the addition of Tony Gonzalez does for Ryan and the rest of the passing game.

Regardless, Turner jumped out on day one with a huge 220-yard game, as well as three touchdowns. He brought in consistent production the rest of the way, as he ran for 1,699 yards and 17 touchdowns.

He could have arguably been the MVP last season, but if he can repeat his 2008 success, he’d be a strong candidate.

10. DeAngelo Williams, RB, Carolina Panthers

After piecing together a wonderful season as the lead back, Williams is looking forward to 2009 as his “2008 wasn’t a fluke” proof.

Williams is a great back with excellent speed and quickness, and also possesses fantastic vision in the open field.

He does share carries with Jonathan Stewart, another impressive back, so getting back to 1,500 yards and 18 scores.

(Philip Rivers, Tony Romo, LaDainian Tomlinson, Chris Johnson, and Clinton Portis were also considered for this list.)