More like get your suicide letter ready. While losing yet again in fantasy football may not actually drive you to end it all, the gut-wrenching feeling of watching your “top dogs” blow chunks certainly can bring the thought to mind.

Terrell Owens was just one of the many stars who came up way too short in week three, sending your once prominent starting line-up into a downward spiral of malcontent and evil-thinking.

Here’s to your opponents running back’s legs breaking this week, and your starting of Thomas Jones against the Saint resulting in more than two points.

Clinton Portis, RB, Washington Redskins

(Portis is just about hobbled.)

This calf-bruised, ankle-spurred, son of a bitch has screwed you the wrong way. And I’m not talking about your next door neighbor, your brother-in-law, or your mail man.

Portis hasn’t scored a touchdown all season and was fairly unspectacular leading up to week three, but with a very tasty meal in the Detroit Lions, you were expecting more than a little over 40 yards rushing.

You wanted scores, two of them, at least 80 yards, and a damn ice cream cone.

If it’s any consolation, Portis is hurting about 30 times as much as you are physically, and his mental edge is being weighed down from the hatred he dispenses on his ineffective quarterback, Jason Campbell.

Join Portis in this hatred, and pray that his fortunes turn for the better (as they really should) against a horrible Tampa Bay defense in week four.

Terrell Owens, WR, Buffalo Bills

(Maybe he should start throwing the ball?)

He did squat in week one, showed up a bit in week two, and then did something he hasn’t done in 12 years: didn’t catch a single pass.

Either take this as the dawning of the “phasing-out-e-ness”, or just agree with everyone else that Trent Edwards is a passive little mouse who doesn’t know the first thing about throwing the ball down the field.

Go with the latter, and you’ll realize that, while T.O. never had and still doesn’t have particularly great hands, he’s still good enough to get you 10 points a game (here and there) if someone throwing to him is even remotely competent.

Look for the Bills passing game to bounce back against a Miami defense that is giving up over 260 yards per game through the air.

And be sure to catch all of T.O.’s highlight-reel drops on ESPN.

Thomas Jones, RB, New York Jets

(How can we hate on a guy with such huge muscles?)

Jones has two touchdowns, has been running decently, and probably had you thinking all kinds of sick, dirty thoughts about what you’d do after you beat your fantasy opponent into the ground.

Save the Kleenex for later, fair friends, because Jones took way too many tries to move just about nowhere, and it cost you, dearly.

League scoring varies, naturally, but the last time I checked, Jones didn’t top three points in any scoring format. Yikes.

That means Portis had a better line. And that’s just sad.

Jones has a better matchup against the Saints, but be careful of New Orleans jumping ahead and Rex Ryan moving away from the running game. Because God help him for not doing it earlier last week.

Tony Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys

(The “doing Carrie Underwood” pose.)

We love the guy, heterosexually, of course. He’s got swagger, dimples, moxie, and quite possible several STD’s, considering the starlets he finds himself with.

Oh, don’t tell me Jessica Simpson doesn’t sleep around.

Regardless, what he doesn’t have is great stats, as his only elite game this year came against the woeful Buccaneers. And by elite, I don’t even mean 300+ yards and 3 scores like he did in week one.

Just 200+ yards and one score would suffice at this point.

In the past two weeks Romo-Cop has thrown for under 300 yards both games, and has totaled one touchdown and three picks.

Now he gets Denver on the road. Doesn’t sound like much, but that Denver defense is looking sharp while allowing only one touchdown and 16 total points through three games. You might wanna sit the big smiling kid from Burlington.

Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints

(Maybe if he stopped hanging out with Carlton…)

Brees, you and I have a difficult relationship. I mean, I love you, man. I want you to be the best man at my wedding, the father of my kids…

Well, I did. But after last week’s below 200-yard effort and zero scores, I’m reconsidering.

Even with a sore matchup with the Jets this week, there’s almost no chance Brees finishes with this line again. Hell, I’m willing to bet he doesn’t finished below 250 the rest of the year.

Look for a few picks against a tough defense, but Brees should jump up back to 300 and three scores.

Julian Edelman, WR, New England Patriots

(Julian, you boy/girl named tease.)

He’s like the girl at the prom who watches you from the wall behind the speakers, giving you that “come here” look, and then you do come there, and then somehow she’s suddenly talking to some other dude because he brought her some punch-which, coincidentally, you were standing right next to.

Get it?

Edelman, you were supposed to live up to your eight catch, 98-yard Wes Welker-like week two performance. Not three catches for 20 yards, you ass.

Wes Welker, WR, New England Patriots

(Welker’s been doing a lot of this lately.)

I would like a comment from every single person that looked like a fool because they lost by four points in week three, simply because they made the poor decision of playing Welker.

If you haven’t learned yet, let me fill you in. You can’t trust Bill Belichick (not even if you’re his kid), and you don’t start game-time decision players when there hasn’t been a decision on their status yet.

Welker is practicing (again), but don’t let that ruin your point potential for the third week in a row. Don’t do it, guys. Don’t do it.

Tom Brady, QB, New England Patriots

(Just look at him. He knows. Oh, he knows.)

I swear, after this tiny out-burst on Brady, I’m done reaming Patriots’ players. After all, Randy Moss and Fred Taylor are in a happy spot in my brain, and I don’t want to ruin the good feeling going on up there.

Brady, on the other hand, has been far from up-lifting since his heroic, lucky, crazy week one performance of nearly 400 yards passing and two scores.

He hasn’t thrown a touchdown since, and his yardage hasn’t been too sexy, either.

Think it’s suddenly going to get better against the Baltimore Ravens defense? Uh, yeah, actually, I do.

Phillip Rivers had a field day against the Ravens. The Chargers didn’t win, but Rivers buttered your fantasy toast just the way you like it.

Hell, even Brodie Croyle made some risk-taking bastard the happiest man in the fantasy realm.

Go for broke with Brady. I mean, it’s not like you’re actually going to play Derek Anderson over Tom Terrific, are you?

John Kuhn, FB, Green Bay Packers

(Dude scored two touchdowns last week.)

Who the hell are you, and why are you stealing fantasy points from Ryan Grant and Aaron Rodgers?

Seriously. The Packers are so inept offensively right now that they have to turn to a back-up fullback for touchdowns?

Did Grant suddenly lose the ability to plunge in for a touchdown from one yard away?

This needs to stop, and it needs to stop now. This goes for Rams tight end Daniel Fells robbing Randy McMichael of two scores last week in the same game, mind you. Ridiculous.

Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco 49ers

(One run. Four yards. Seriously?)

I know you hurt your ankle, dude, and it should keep you on the shelf for two or three weeks, but come on.

That’s like 0.4 points. Maybe. And most leagues might even consider taking points away for that.

Next time you roll or sprain something, be sure to stay in the game until you muster up 10 lousy points, okay? You’re a football player, not a ballerina. You can withstand the pain to get your boy here one lousy point.